Islands and Stones

Ever since the turn of the new year, me along with the rest of the self-improvement world began enacting new years goals. Those goals- eating better, exercising more, prioritizing relationships, are famously laughed at for their fleetingness. I, of course, like to believe that my goals don't fit into that category. Mine are serious, well-intentioned, and will be followed through with. So I like to think. But it does bring to question what a lasting goal really. means. Or first off- how do we define a goal at all?

In a book I am currently reading, "To Shake the Sleeping Self," by Jedidiah Jenkins (mentioned in a previous post about Vulnerability), Jenkins is on a long-distance bike trip that causes him to reflect on dreams and goals in his life. He defines the difference between the two.

"Each of us has a mash-up of talents and experiences and potential that plants something in us, and becomes a dream. A dream of being a creative, or an executive, or a father. A dream is the myriad ways we could be fulfilled in life using our talents to. make beautiful things. But then there are goals. Goals are specific guesses at what we could do or become to fulfill our dream. Dreams are like a compass that points in a general direction and goals are the islands in the ocean along the way. Goals are just guesses at where to make a home, and when they aren't right, we try another."

I like his definition of goals and dreams. It gives me a way to value the difference between the two. And it offers me permission to fail at the goals I set, because they are only ever attempts at one day arriving at the doorstep of my dreams. But it does reinstill the intention to understand my internal compass- what are my dreams, where am I going, and what goals can I attempt to get there?

In this time period of goal setting, I am wondering if we all paused to envision where it is we are trying to go with our future selves and then reassess if we are setting the right goals to get there. It's really easy to lose sight of goals, to let the "new year, new you" phenomenon result in a "new year, only new you in January" phenomenon. If the intention is not rooted in a deeper sense of direction, it has no legs to withstand longevity. 

But if we know where we are trying to go and who we are trying to become, Jenkins quote gives me a great sense of grace for myself or anyone else on that journey. I have a dream to create a home and community space that creates respite and inspiration for others. If goals are islands I stop at along the way through the ocean, then I must set goals, try, fail and set goals again. I know I am imagining a specific place in my mind where the brick and mortar I call home will be. So I will take intentional scouting trips to search for the place that's got the outdoor landscape and sense of community I am looking for. I will travel to places, learn it's not for me, and move on to the next place. Understanding which places are not for me is just as important as learning the place that is. 

I used to call this process "turning over stones." The entire lived decade of the twenties was spent turning over stones for me. At that time, I was searching for a dream career. I didn't quite know what it was, but through trial and error, I learned a lot about what it wasn't. The process of trying, quitting, trying again, failing, and trying again helped define the dream of a career that was uniquely suited for myself. I learned a lot about work culture, work-life balance, delineation between passion and career, work community, skills and interests, areas of weakness, income comfortabilities, positions and roles I never wanted to do again and fields of interest. I used to think my twenties were wasted trying too many jobs with never staying committed to one for the long haul. But now I see this as my "turning over stones phase." I needed to try every rock, or in the metaphor Jenkins used, explore every island, until I found which one was for. me. Consciously or not, I downloaded information from all twenty-plus jobs I had during this time period. And with that information, what was forming in my heart and head was a dream of a career that was a sum of all the good and bad stones I turned over in my twenties. My career path now allows me to explore passion, experience balance, live minimally, enjoy a diversity of roles, travel, work with multiple generations and enjoy small co-work spaces with the balance of remote independent work. I value all of these things about my current work life. But I never would have known these were values of mine until I turned over a bunch of stones, many that weren't for me, and many that had glimpses of what I wanted.

So, for all of us setting intentions for 2024, I would like to remind myself and say to you: trust the process. It took me over a decade of goal setting and trial and error to land on a career pathway that is a resemblance of my dreams. And it took that entire time period to even identify what it was I was dreaming up in the first place. I think it's great for anyone to strive to be better. I think it's great if you strive to eat healthier in 2024 and fail by February. You attempted to be better, and that says a lot about you as a person.

To set goals that last, it helps me to imagine where I want to be in 20-some years. For me, that'll be mid-fifties, and I must say 35 year old Katie has some expectations for her 55 year old self. If I want to serve that future self well- what goals can I set right now that help me live the life I want to live at 55? Thinking this way, gives my current goals more intention and gives me stronger sense of commitment to them. But knowing I am in it for the long haul, to be better, also gives me a sense of grace for myself as some goals don't always stick. 

We are not going to be everything we want to be by the end of 2024. But we may move the dial forward just a little bit. It takes time, and failure, and trying again, to get to where we want to be. Count it all as progress, and look at those failures as opportunities to learn. On my search for a dream career, there were jobs I showed up for on the first day, and drove home the same day having quit the job. This clearly felt like a failure for someone who was trying to land a career, but that experience gave me information. It told me I wanted nothing to do with that role, field, or work culture that caused me to drive away in the first place. Without that information, I may still be stuck in a stuffy office somewhere answering to some money-hungry corporate manager who cares nothing about my well-being. Learn from the attempts at self-improvement, let them teach you a lesson about who you are, where you want to go, and what could be preventing or helping you get there. Not every attempt or discipline serve the purpose of self-arrival, but in the process of trying, you at least may better idea of what self arrival looks like in your one, personal, precious life.