Our Books Say it All

Today, I scanned our books. Not the ones stored away on the shelf, collecting dust- the ones out- with book marks, scattered in miscellaneous places around the travel trailer because their pages had recently seen our faces. As for my husband, Matt, I've watched him tote around "Medical Secrets," answering questions students, residents and doctors will be asked regarding various diseases and sicknesses. He just entered his rotation stage of his medical career, and if he is not researching the cases seen in the clinic that day- he's digging through this book for insights. 

My bedside table hosts the writing of Bruce Chatwin's "In Patagonia," a literary travel log of the  wild Patagonia, a land I long to visit even more with every turning page. For practical uses, I've been carrying around maps... designing bike travel routes through areas that forests meet water.  

I scanned our books because when I look at a home three years of marriage has built, I see two totally different worlds sharing a similar space. It's almost like the sun and moon decided to hang around long enough one day to exist in the same place together.

The medical journey exacerbates crucial differences. Specifically, Matt's focused pathway towards a career, vocation, or calling. The more defined his journey seems to become, the more uncertain my pathway seems to be. 

I've watched this man commit to a vocation, sacrifice everything for it, and never doubt this path was for him- even through the most grueling academic pressures. I couldn't do this. And I haven't. My college memories involve incredible friendships, athletic pursuits and weekend getaways to see giant waterfalls and icicles. Academic endeavors far from tempted me.

This wondrous spirit of mine- continuously flirting with philosophy, questioning normalcy, and wandering into new places, jobs and seasons- that spirit can feel a lot less solidified than one pursuing medical school. 

I asked for Matt to describe his life ambition to me the other day. It was very simple. He wants to help people. He explained the multi-faceted ways in which he would like to conduct this mission, but it all sealed into one compact goal.

He asked me the same. One hour later I was still describing to him the multitude of ways that I imagined existing in the world- there were many animals involved, intentional communities, a permaculture farm, travel experiences, teenagers in the outdoors, deep conversations, innovative people, creative people, books I would write, things I would build, start, be a part of... Thankfully, I have a patient partner who can not only listen to my dreams, but make me believe that there is nothing wrong with me for dreaming so wildly. 

My ultimate character foil, my husband,  seems to have what I've craved my entire adult life- consistency, direction and persistence. There's been many times that he could have quit medical school, and still could. But I know he won't. The man has learned practically every instrument because he doesn't stop until he masters that thing he seeks after. He knows he wants something- and he tirelessly persists to completion. I have owned a harmonic for 10-years, I know one song. 

Our books say it all. For Matt, a compilation of both required and non-required medical books to support his vocational pathway. Mine, a collection of stories and guides encouraging my desire to keep exploring. One of us settled, the other seemingly settled in being unsettled. 

Clearly, our shelves stock other books- literary fictions, classic novels, historical non-fictions... which could be analyzed in another space- but as for the daily used books of this season, I am reminded of the work it takes to continue to combine two separate worlds who share one life together.

So, I scanned our books a little further. I found an intersection of stories, both fiction and non-fiction, an array of books between the two of us, the possession not easily defined. There were stories of communities world-wide with devastating circumstances, there were stories of hope and inspiration. I saw people helping people, doctors helping people, the nomadic hippie souls changing lives. I saw good hearted people- of all sorts. It didn't matter where the story took place, or the roles of the individuals in these accounts- there were elements of human suffering and human impact in all of these books. 

I saw a connection between our book collection- two people who care enough to learn about the world around them, who see themselves, in some form or fashion as a contribution to the betterment of our world, seeking to offer love, hope, ourselves to society....in whichever role, skill or style that may come. ​