I am beginning to believe medical schools spouses are some of the strongest men and women out there. Leading up to my husband's journey to medical school used to seem dreamy. I tend to be an over-zealous person, only thinking about the idea of something, not processing the practical day-to-day implications of future endeavors. I imagined 15 years down the line, him oversees, a Doctor without Borders, and me alongside him, journaling the stories of the foreign country's culture and people, unveiling the land's struggles to listening ears abroad.
But, as my idealistic mind wondered, reality set in. Matt spends his days learning all the intricate layers of the human anatomy, he disects cadavers to practice for future real life surgical procedures, he devotes clinical hours alongside doctors and residents, gaining hands-on experience treating patients. He comes home, and no matter what time school ends, he needs at least eight hours locked away in a cave of silence, reviewing the day, preparing for the next. There simply aren't enough hours in the day to do all he needs to get done for school. And there simply aren't enough hours left to devote to a spouse, a household, an income, a dog, maintaining relationships. So, either you are a struggling bachelor eating ramen and living in an uncivilized dorm room studying 24/7, or, you have a partner, who supports you emotionally, supplies the kitchen with food, fills the bellies day-to-day and keeps the essential function of a family unit in one piece. As many lives as he may save one day, the pursuit to his dream can seem none other than self-focused and costly. The devotion required is more than he himself has capacity to give, equating to a truly alternative lifestyle. For the most part, my married friends share the financial burden, they both chip in around the house, they get to spend time with their husband. Though I am aware the schooling season will end, even long after, the life of a doctor is a vocation that comes with great cost to those involved. I watch the wives of medical students who stand alongside me in a weekly women's group I attend, their strength inspires me. They have learned to fight for their dreams and pursuits in the midst of being a provider, supporter and a background partner. They have learned stark independence, living in a marriage but knowing the physical presence of a partner is rare. They balance work, dreams, friendships, chores, community, support, marriage and self love all in a day's time. Tonight, I looked at my husband and said, "What you are doing is so, so great. But, it also sucks." And that is just the blunt reality. The stress he is experiencing is probably more than I may ever understand, but I never pieced together that the supportive role of someone in such an intense and all-consuming journey would require such enduring strength and grit to get through. People don't fully understand the cost that comes with a loved one going to medical school. Friends and family expect you to be around, or they continue to ask where your spouse is, somehow expecting that his social life is still intact. They imagine the wife meandering in the background, dreaming up the next meal to cook for supper. Only those who I watch experience this kind of relationship understand the grind it takes for both parties involved, and the reality of the 'suck' behind this noble pursuit. I am thankful, and I believe both Matt and I will be uniquely shaped and built for significant life callings throughout this near decade of discipline. We wouldn't choose to sacrifice our young adulthood and early marriage in such drastic ways if we didn't believe something beautiful and tremendous would come from it all. Sometimes I must hold on to the reminder that this journey is apart of something wonderful, in order to bear the toil it takes to get us there.
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AuthorKatie Elizabeth: Writer, Wonderer, Wanderer. Archives
July 2019
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