Confession, I believe a river-jump is a shower. And honestly, I think my wild, always-on-the-verge-of-dread-like-hair is better off dipped in freshwater. I love dirt. I like hard-work, the hot sun and a physically spent body. I don't follow traditional pathways and often, run from lifestyles too settled or too comfortable. I find more value in adventure, relationships and learning more about the world than I do in making a good income and having certain securities. And, I thrive in uncertain adventures and unfamiliar experiences.
I often tell people I am a "Dirtbag." By definition, a dirtbag is a very unkept or unpleasant person. And, according to Urban Dictionary, a dirtbag is someone who is committed to an extreme lifestyle "to the point of abandoning employment and other societal norms in order to pursue said [alternative] lifestyles." However, neither of these definitions comfortably resonate with me. Some may call me "unkept," and some may say I have an "extreme" or "alternative" lifestyle. And, while I am aware that I have values and make choices different than the "norm," my connection to this term is directly associated with an identifying factor of where I came from and where I am headed. Confession #2, I am uncomfortable with wealth and modern conveniences. My husband and I celebrated our one-year anniversary the other day. We don't usually have traditional "romantic dates," even our honeymoon was in a cabin and involved a lot of hiking and fishing. He is very different than I am, lifestlye choices and pathways are night and day to one another. So typically when it comes to dates, he meets me in my "romantic setting" comfort zone, which is almost always outside, casual and spontaneous. So my classy, med-school-bound, likes-nice-things-but-lives-in-a-travel-trailer-because-he-loves-me husband wanted to have a romantic date at a very, very nice restaurant on our anniversary. I am working on my world not being so "Katie-focused," so I concurred. We pulled into a tiny-parking lot that takes an entire 10-seconds to unbuckle your seat-belt, gather your belongings and walk inside. You could probably stop to pick up a penny off the ground and still make it through the front door with 2-seconds to spare. So clearly, when the valet service eagerly opened our door awaiting our keys, we asked where the non-valet parking was. Much to our surprise, it was a whopping 5 extra steps from these "special" valet parking spots. Clearly, we chose wisely. As we ventured the five extra steps and headed inside, a white convertible Porsche (very fancy name goes here) pulled up to the much-needed valet service as both the driver, passenger and back doors slid vertically down to close the convertible in a very fashionable and James Bond-like way. Two very finely dressed and handsome people stepped out of this extravagant car and we literally stopped in our footing, clearly feeling unfit but now uncertain if we should abandon plan A and head to the nearest taco hut. We agreed our style was different, but we could still enjoy the same place. And we did. The food was more than anyone should ever spend on one meal but it was absolutely the most delicious sensation through every single combination of flavor. The wine was delectable and the perfect complement. It felt extremely special to be able to taste food and wine so rich and unique. The environment was charming, the lighting was romantic, the conversations were enlivened in the special-ness of a rare experiences. But.... I dislike wealth and fancy places that require certain attire and charge ridiculous amounts of hard-earned money. And since this experience, which I will always remember as special and enjoyable, I have been processing through this identification factor of mine. I have been most comfortable considering myself to be in this dirtbag category for much of my adult-life. And I have ran, to the point of resented this idea of wealth and modern conveniences. I could tell in my attitude towards the sexy Porsche couple that there was clear disdain for that lifestyle. But if one extreme leads to a resentment of another extreme, is either honorable? I can understand my context for desiring that which is simple, or different. It is a direct effect of an upbringing with a very dysfunctional taste into wealthiness and false-securities. There is a context for everything. My mom came from a place of poverty and never ever wanted to experience the fears and instabilities of a poor, uncertain lifestyle ever again. The pendulum took her to a safe, gated neighborhood and an unquenchable desire for wealth and illegitimate material comforts. My father worked his life away, but he provided for her, and our, essential (and luxurious) needs. My pendulum swung the other way. And for the past ten-years of my life I have wanted absolutely no association with wealthiness, excessive beauty techniques, material possessions, traditional lifestyles, even comforts and conveniences.... to the point of extremity in every one of these areas. So, perhaps there has been a sense of pride in this idea of being a dirtbag, because it was far, far from this "other thing" that I did not want to be. About a month ago one of my best friends got married and I was her Matron of Honor. I struggled with this idea that I was going to be standing next to her and I needed to be presentable, beautiful... put together. Typically, I would avoid all occasions that designated my appearance, but this was an honor. This was something I wanted to be apart of and something I considered special. I spent three hours in the grocery store staring at the make-up isle. I had not worn make-up until I left the life I had under my parents roof ten years ago. I could not discern if I was feeling an arbitrary pressure to conform and be more "civilized" or if I was accepting my woman-ness and allowing myself to embrace certain beauties when formal occassions presented themselves. I called my husband for reassurance and insight. He told me he thought I was just becoming a "lady" and learning a healthy balance between the two extremes I have experienced in this department. I wasn't sure if I believed him or believed this for myself yet so I called a best friend and she dropped everything (knowing how big of a deal this was for me) and met me at the store. We talked through this decision way more than two people staring at a couple products should ever be discussing over a purchase, and by the end of it, I walked away with a stick of mascara and container of blush. Simple. Not extreme. A step. I didn't feel like I betrayed myself, I feel like I found a way to breathe in between the two worlds. Just like the anniversary night out. Yes, it was an extravagant experience, but it was a special occasion. At one point in my life, I would have hated myself for that experience and continued to feed into to my extreme views on wealthy people and wealthy lifestyles. But now, I will never forget a special night with my husband on a very special day. Another step. My husband is headed down a pathway to becoming a doctor, and one day, he might actually bring a decent income into our life. Right now, that scares me. My dirtbag desires provide a more noble connotation to me and somewhat protect my fears of becoming all the ill-associated conceptions of a wealthy human being. These two ideas, wealth and "dirtbag-ness" have been definitive factors for all 28-years of my life in some degree or another. Every step I find a balance, or a grace in the perceptions I have over these two concepts, I feel a bit free-er. I don't mind being a dirtbag, or having money at some point in life. But I want to be a dirtbag because that is just how I like to be, not because I am desperately trying to NOT be something else. And visa versa if the pendulum switched. Regardless, I will probably always prefer freshwater over chlorine, sleeping under the stars versus a roof, and non-profit over corporate. Some of what I have found in this journey between worlds will stick because I just purely love it. But I think it is time to stop living out of what I hate and what I fear becoming. So, the goal- to find a healthy outlook on these two seemingly contrasting ideas. In my mind, this looks like continuing to enjoy the simplicities of life and taking from this world in a very minimal way, while still understanding the functions and possibilities of healthy wealth management. It started with the make-up break down, then the fancy dinner celebration, and I am thinking the next step is learning to unravel the identifying factors so wrapped up in these two words, "Wealth" and "Dirtbag-ness."
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AuthorKatie Elizabeth: Writer, Wonderer, Wanderer. Archives
July 2019
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