Shirel Ben-Haim, a 26-year-old Russian-Christian-Jew currently living and working in Jerusalem never knew the complex identity struggle she would face until her family decided to move to the Holy Land.
After the Holocaust, Shirel’s Jewish mother and German father reunited in Uzbekistan where they married and moved to Russia. Shirel was born and raised there until age nine when her mother felt a deep religious calling to pack her bags and move to Israel. It didn’t take long after arriving in Israel that Shirel’s identity as a person began to be challenged. “What are you?” She was constantly asked this question. “Jew by heritage, Christian by religion, Russian by nationality,” she would say. This didn’t make sense to people, they had trouble putting her in a box. By the age of 16 Shirel was uncomfortably challenged and deeply troubled inside. “I felt guilt for not having a clear identity, I was envious of those who were born and raised in the same place,” she said. This young, confused teenager didn’t feel as if she belonged anywhere. “Even my Christian friends weren’t accepting me.” Despondent and tired of proving herself, Shirel realized she did not need to answer to people anymore. She threw her hands up, “I refuse to put myself in a box! ” However, things did not get easier for her. By age 18, Shirel was called to her legal service in the Israeli Army. She had a fierce and confident attitude going into the military. This was an opportunity to start life as a new person, with a unique identity. “I wanted to be a light and inspiration to people. I was going to read my Bible every day and preach to everyone,” she said. Such high hopes and expectations disappointed Shirel as she soon realized, the identity she once yearned to know and understand was swept beneath her feet before she could say, “Yes sir.” She was becoming a part of a powerful unit, there was no time nor space for individual distinctions. “I was caught two days reading my Bible and severely reprimanded,” Shirel said, “I never tried it again after that.” Shirel’s identity became a silent search and private dialogue between her and Jesus. This became crucial to her inner survival. “There are things you are asked to do that challenge you as a person. It is important to know where you stand and most importantly, to know who you answer to.” Her commander might have been her corporal authority figure, but ultimately she submitted to God. “I remember being on guard and just praying the entire time, pleading that no one would come on my base.” “The army teaches you not to think on your own,” Shirel said. “We are told who our enemy is and we are told how to guard ourselves.” Several of her close friends had the experience of loading their guns and in their eyes, that action was equivalent to pulling the trigger. Shirel prayed for her soul, that she would never have to feel that feeling. After her two-year service in the army she removed herself for a few months. In her escape to the wilderness, God encountered her in a very personal way. It was in this moment her identity became known and secure within her heart. It was the very first time she felt comfortable within herself. Shirel now works for an organization designing animated Bible lessons for children, she says this is where her heart is. When asked her opinion on the Israeli military, she says she cannot speak on behalf of her country, “I can only speak for myself.”
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AuthorKatie Elizabeth; Writer, Wonderer, Wanderer. Archives
August 2014
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